Somehow Thomas is 19 months old and I’ve been reflecting that as much as I love little snuggly babies, I am SO much happier overall as the parent of a toddler.
So if you’re in the haze of that first year of motherhood - just know that it does get easier!
There’s not one thing that makes this phase easier for me. Some of the things: I’m getting full nights of sleep again, we’re only nursing once a day at bedtime, I feel strong in my body, and I love watching T gain more personality and independence as we introduce him to the world and share activities and adventures together.
To me, the first year of motherhood felt all consuming and more of a day to day survival mode, while now I feel like we’ve “launched” and it’s easier to figure out what we all need, even if we still have to navigate a lot.
Through this past winter we isolated at home a lot to stay healthy and spend precious time with family, which is ultimately my number one priority. But we were sacrificing literally months of childcare and support for just days of family time, and when it comes to work/life I was getting a little too much in the “life” bucket 😝.
This spring we upgraded to 3 full days/week of childcare at our co-working space so he can have full days in the classroom and I can get more time to work. And this small change has improved the quality of my life EXPONENTIALLY.
On the days we are home together I’m able to be fully present with him instead of feeling stressed and guilty from trying (and failing) to do everything at the same time. I get to fill my Anna cup by having uninterrupted time to focus on my business, which I love!
You don’t know what kind of mom you’ll want to be until you actually have kids, and then they grow so fast you’re constantly trying to keep up.
It turns out that right now, I want to be a 60-70%-time working mom, and I am so grateful I have the resources to make that lifestyle happen.
I am discovering that I thrive when I am working outside of parenting, and in this moment feel like I am on top of the delicate and precarious art of the work/life balance.
And that is something to freaking celebrate, especially as we mark the one year anniversary of the pandemic which has completely upended our lives and added many unexpected challenges.
So let’s talk about finding that elusive work-life balance.
What does balance even mean?
There are all the stories the world tells us about how we should be living our lives as women and mothers, and then there’s what actually fills your soul and meets you where you’re at in the current reality of your life.
You are the only person who can decide what work/life balance looks like to you.
There’s a myth that “balance” means 50/50 equal split. Or, let’s be honest -- giving 100% to everyone and everything. Hello, impossible!!
But really, what does it feel like to be balanced?
Work-life balance in motherhood is a constantly moving target, not a destination.
The good thing about shifting our view of balance from a fixed destination to a constantly moving target is that there’s no such thing as success or failure.
To me, it’s not an all-or-nothing thing, because it’s a constant state of flux depending on what phase my child is going through, the season of the year, the restrictions of the pandemic, and even where I’m at in my menstrual cycle. Balance is more of a feeling, like I am capable and competent and have the capacity to handle everything on my plate. Maybe a better word for balance is actually stability - feeling grounded, stable, and fulfilled instead of drained by my schedule and responsibilities.
When I am OFF balance, I feel overwhelmed, anxious, stressed, depressed, and resentful. Easily triggered by comparison or jealousy.
Maybe you get triggered by people pleasing etc or overeating, mom guilt, etc…
You just aren’t at your BEST.
I think we can all bring to mind a time where we feel out of balance. Use that as a guide to discover what you need to feel more stable.
Then, identify your non-negotiables, or a short list of easy things you can add into your typical day or week to feel happier and more stable.
You can also take note of the BIG things that would be nice, but not immediately possible (like vacations, going out with friends, getting a new job, etc.) Bringing awareness to these long term goals is important because even if they won’t happen overnight, you will plant the seed in the back of your consciousness and start to make small shifts that gradually lead in that direction.
Finally, look at your lists and put them into action. How can you adapt what you need to your current reality? Maybe you can take some time off work for a staycation to just unplug, or schedule a coffee chat over the phone with a friend every week.
Some examples of what I need to feel my best, depending on the season or phase we’re in:
alone time in the morning to journal, read, exercise
childcare a few days a week
intentional family time (like on weekends)
some 1:1 play or snuggle time with Thomas everyday
going outdoors every day, even if it’s just a walk to or from the car
heart to heart chats with good friends who are in a similar season of life
an ongoing creative project to work on
More examples I crowd-sourced from friends:
childcare
coffee and wine
more sleep
knowing what’s important enough to be included in the equation
me time “even if it’s only 15 minutes. It reminds me of who I am aside from motherhood”
taking a bath
solo time out of the house, treating myself to something I love
working at a coffee shop (when possible and safe)
Two questions to guide yourself home when you’re feeling off-balance:
What do I need?
What can I do to make that happen?
Feeling like you need some support and accountability?
In my Inner Glow Up 1:1 coaching program, I support women in prioritizing their own wellbeing as they transition into motherhood and navigate the demands of work, family, wellness, mental health, relationships, and personal goals.
The first thing I have new coaching clients do is complete a “wheel of life” inventory, where we assess each area of your life (relationships, money, self care, etc) to see where you are thriving and which areas feel a bit in need of focus and attention.
Then we set intentional, inspiring, heart centered goals in the areas you want to prioritize during our time together.
We do this to acknowledge that as multi-faceted humans, we have LOTS of priorities and things that are important to us, and there are seasons of life where some take precedence over the others.
And that doesn’t mean we’re falling behind or dropping the ball on the ones that take the back burner.
It just means that as time passes, we intentionally shift and pivot to nurture those other sides as well.
Balance is not about spending an equal amount of time and energy on everything.
It’s a continuous, daily process of finding an equilibrium that allows us to feel the most fulfilled so we can thrive and function at our best.
xo Anna
