Right now snow is falling in west Michigan, we’ve barely seen a glimpse of sun in weeks, and it’s like nature is sending the very clear message to rest, hibernate, be still.
At the same time, I’m having a personal inner spring awakening thanks to second trimester energy and what feels like 18 months of pent up ideas and dreams and goals sensing they have free rein to finally emerge from the surface and be free to grow.
It’s an interesting juxtaposition but I’m fully enjoying having this down time to retreat from the world and get to work.
Spring is far away but deep beneath the earth seeds are sprouting, and new beginnings are on the horizon.
I always love looking at life through a seasonal or cyclical lens, because things never unfold in a linear pattern, despite what the thinking side of our brain expects.
We always circle back to the same lessons, mistakes, or growth moments over and over in a cosmic whirlpool of dejavu, but at the same time gaining experience, perspective, wisdom, and the opportunity to choose differently.
Life does not move in a straight line, or even a perfect circle with happy closure at every thread of our paths. Sometimes it feels more like a hot mess that is completely out of our control.
Menstrual cycle awareness is a fabulous built in way to honor your body’s need for different things at different times, but sometimes we go through energetic seasons that last beyond a month.
It seems like all the conversations I’ve been having lately with other moms, coaches, and business owners have had a similar theme, like we’ve all been going through this personal extended winter ala Game of Thrones.
And it’s freaking hard to be in the middle of a seemingly endless phase and not being able to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Especially if it’s something you’ve never experienced before, like going through the newborn stage or a sleep regression or mental health crisis.
You’re inside something new, and you don’t know where the end is. In hindsight things move fast, but when you’re IN IT, it seems forever.
All we can do is lean back into our inner knowing that all things pass in time, trust that we’ll make it through to the other side, and in the meantime surrender and let go of our brain’s expectations or timeline.
My season of “not yet”
When it comes to my major areas of career, home, and family, it’s felt like for the last 12-18 months I was inside this limbo phase of “not yet, not yet, not yet.”
The best way I could describe it was feeling like a strawberry suspended in a big jiggling vat of jello. Not necessarily stuck and paralyzed, but not free or in my groove. Very much disoriented and disconnected from my inner bold, badass, creative and confident version of myself.
We didn’t have childcare for our first 8 months after moving to Michigan, which forced me to put my coaching business on the back burner (and subsequently feel disconnected from my inner purpose and joy of the work I do) so I could be a full time caregiver and mom.
Once we finally enrolled Thomas in part time preschool, I suffered a miscarriage during our quest to grow our family, which ultimately triggered a mental health breakdown and has forced me to put my mental and physical health first over everything else.
Then we faced so much rejection during our home search, until finally buying a house and moving!
So yeah, lots of exciting things have been happening, but not without trials and long seemingly endless stretches of waiting and surrendering control.
Sometimes you are so ready to move into the next chapter or season of life but you keep getting hitting roadblocks or set backs, like the universe or God keeps telling you “not yet. Not yet. Not yet not yet not yet not yet.”
During those times of freefall, it’s vital to surround ourselves with support because we can’t do everything by ourselves.
Whether that’s mental health support, financial support, childcare, or simply staying up too late to catch up with girlfriends and laugh.
The more we remember that we aren’t alone, the easier it is to take ourselves less seriously and give ourselves permission and space to let go of the frantic pace of the world and surrender into just being still.
So what if you have “nothing” achievement-wise to add to your resume or holiday letter at the end of the year? Maybe you can’t quantify the growth you’ve been experiencing on the inside, but that doesn’t mean it’s worthless, or that nothing is happening to you and for you.
“Rest is the revolution that’s going to power your life”
-Alexandra Pope and Sjanie Hugo Wurlitzer (Wild Power)
And after winter comes a season of transition.
Transformation.
Like a butterfly emerging from the mush.
I don’t have some nicely organized 5 step process to pulling yourself out of a funk or extended winter, but all I can say is that when spring arrives again, you’ll know.
It might be subtle, but unmistakable.
Remaining in a state of inaction or status quo will feel existentially and maybe even physically intolerable.
You’ll have to move.
Trust that you’ll know exactly what to do.
Your next steps will be guided. You’ll start to have little synchronicities or signs or just chance encounters with friends that will give you a little micro-dose or glimpse of fresh energy and life, like a gust of warm air in early spring.
You won’t be ready to completely put yourself out there and bloom, but that’s ok because you don’t have to.
You might start to feel impatient that things aren’t moving faster, or that you don’t have the capacity to take action and do ALL THE THINGS that are suddenly flooding your brain.
But that is ok too.
Pace yourself.
Let your soul seeds germinate and nurture them in the darkness so they don’t get burned by the heat of the sun.
Find someone you trust to share your heart and witness your emergence from the cocoon.
And keep on honoring the pace of your heart.
xo Anna